ON STANDBY…

April the 20th, Hitler´s Birthday. Nice day for an Austrian Tale.

When it comes to media and press freedom, Austria can be somewhat proud. Wiener Zeitung, first published in 1703, is the oldest newspaper still regularily produced in the world. Besides many regional papers, eight national newspapers vie for the attention of Austria´s readers. The majority of them favour quality over scandal or quantity, what leads to a fierce yet healthy competition and, generally, to good investigative journalism.

Bearing in mind all this competition and such high standards, it is barely believable that sich a pile of rubbish as the Kronen Zeitung, a racist, sensationalist, sleazy tabloid, is by far the most read newspaper in Austria. The sales numbers are astonishing: 3 million daily. Hence, you can easily surmise that the Kronen reachs at least 5 million people. In Austria, where only 8 million people live. The Kronen´s influence upon the nation is believed to be so powerful that no national decision or project can go ahead without its greenlight. They had a lot to do with Jörg Haider´s ascent to power, to put the most easy example.

On Sundays in Vienna one can take the newspapers from plastic bags on the streets. In theory, they are not for free, there is a little box for the coins. But one can take the newspaper without paying. That´s what I do without any qualm; furthermore, I deem spending a single dime on such a load of shite as the Kronen a sin.

It reads easily though. And it is always funny, when not taken seriously. Many tales of gore, most of the times perpetrated by foreigners, with Serbs and Turks being the bad guy in almost 80% of the cases (not that these things don´t happen, rather, they just only inform about these). The highlights are the column wirtten by the Archbishop of Sankt Pölten, the readers´ views (rumour has it that the Krone itself writes many of these), and the naked babe picture of the first pages. Good journalism: the cover for the pope, and the 7th page for the naked girl photo:

Also, the propaganda of the far right party FPÖ usually finds a place in the Krone. They are against immigration, naturally. Immigrants steal the jobs from the hands of the hardworking Austrians, and under their noses at that, blah, blah, blah… Yet the average ordinary everyday Kronen Zeitung´s sales force does not look very Austrian:

Curious, is it!

But the Gold Medal doubtlessly belongs to Herr Wolf Martin and his poem section „In der Wind gereimt“. Today, Hitler´s birthday, he always dedicates a „poem“ to the Führer, so I though I might as well take advantage of such a great day to write a post on the Kronen and compile some of Wolf Martin´s greatest hits here. They throw some light on how the Kronen is.

Kronen Zeitung, 20th of April, 1994. A pearl like this would trigger a scandal in Germany. Nothing of the kind in Austria, where it is read by a 60% of the population.

"Today I celebrate, when I´m allowed to, Adolf´s birthday, who was once the first man in our nice country. A personality through and through. We´d need him today. He integrated the people, perfectly representated the State. Our nowadays leaders undoubtedly pale in comparison. He was a revolutionary, so at the beginning it was hard, the reactionary forces even incarcerated him. Yet destiny often changes, when it comes to politics. In his last days, his party led the state. He was honest and legal, a real model, a patriot to the bone. What a man!"

Herr Wolf does not seem to like jews, either, though there are not many in Austria. In 2000 he wrote:

"By no means should we fear, that jews today flee Austria. For even the Haider-eaters live better in the „Nazi country“ of „blue shame“ than in their beloved holy land“

As for the enlargement of the EU, Mr Wolf thinks the new members are not rich enough to joint the brotherhood. 2005:

"Does the EU really need Poland? It should take Norway instead! And brave Switzerland would be more useful than the Czech Republic. Yet these two, who get the lead, say no with all their hearts."

 Meanwhile, Haider keeps on stealing the show by tearing off the town shields written in Slovenian and German in Carinthia…

There is not a single internacional bank in Vienna (no Deutsche Bank, no Credit Lionesse, no Citibank, nothing); neither is there Institut Goethe, nor Alliance Français… I could go on for hours. Hypermarkets are banned by means of a law that limits the maximum area, and their opening hours are strengly regulated. With such a desolate view unfolding before one´s eyes, it is no wonder that none of the international players want to enter Austria. And the consumer´s freedom of choice is as limited. One must do the shopping from Monday to Friday, never any later than 19.00, and only in small supermarkets (all Austrian or German-bought) that invariably display the same range of products at very similar prices. When one does not manage to do the shopping on time, there is no other alternative than going out for dinner, thus making another contribuition to the Austrian GDP vía Schnitzel or that of Turkey swallowing a kebab (these abound and open till the small hours indeed).

Another thing that Vienna lacks and I sorrowfully miss are low cost airlines. Schwechat, Vienna´s airport, must be the one airport in Europe from which no low cost airline operates, apart from Air Berlin, whose prices are passable yet by no means lowcost. Schwechat´s taxes are so high that setting a base there would not pay off at all for, say, easyJet, for these taxes go straight to the final price of the ticket, making it so expensive that it could not be deemed lowcost any longer. This allows the national-flag carrier, Austrian Airlines, to offer reasonable yet not cheap flights, thus wiping the competition off Austria. And not all the destinations are served at these reasonable prices. London, Paris, Berlin… one can get them for 150 €, give or take. Madrid, Brussels, Amsterdam (those that Sky Europe does not offer cheaper from Bratislava, one hour from Vienna, and whose airport is greedily targeted by Schwechat´s managing authority; the proximity of the Slovak capital has them pretty vexed) are nevertheless offered at prices from 300 € upwards. In other words, a bloody rip-off, mailnly now, the days of the low cost revolution, when a flight that costs more than 180 € is already expensive. For low cost airlines have changed our lives in more than one way. I miss them here in Vienna, so I just wanted to say something about that heavenly relief for one´s pocket that low cost airlines are. About a year ago, there appeared an article in The Economist that made low cost airlines justice. Take a look at it. Let´s fly, shall we?

Brussels is full of monuments to the “builders of Europe”. There is the Schuman district, the Monnet circle, the Spinelli building. It may now be time for a Stelios Square or a Boulevard O’Leary. For in recent years, Stelios Haji-Ioannou and Michael O’Leary, the two pioneers of Europe’s low-cost airlines, have done more to integrate Europe than any numbers of diplomats and ministers. They have helped to create a new generation for whom travelling to another European country is no longer exotic or expensive, but utterly commonplace.

On a recent Friday night at Stansted airport, near London, it was easy to see how people’s lives have changed. There was Ettore Thermes, an Italian financier, who commutes every week between his home in Rome and his office in London and says “I use the plane like a bus.” Or Suzy Romer, a Scottish student visiting her boyfriend in Bilbao, who noted that “what these airlines do is let you live in two countries at once.” Then there was a group of middle-aged men and women, who schedule weekends away in Europe around the fixtures of Leicester rugby club: that particular weekend they were heading for Bergamo in northern Italy. And there were American backpackers marvelling at the fact that their flights to Barcelona had cost the same as their train tickets from London to Stansted. None of these people had paid more than £50 ($95) for their flights. All agreed that they were taking journeys, and indeed making choices about their lives, that would have been quite impossible before the low-cost revolution.

Indeed Europeans are now so blasé about hopping on a plane that confusion can easily result. Last summer your correspondent got chatting to a British traveller still hanging around the airport in Rodez, in France’s Massif Central, more than an hour after the arrival of her Ryanair flight. “My friends will be arriving by boat soon,” she asserted confidently. On further questioning, it emerged that she thought she was on the Greek island of Rhodes.

Confusion, if not perhaps on this scale, is understandable. The network of low-cost routes around Europe is huge. From Stansted that Friday, Ryanair alone was flying to some 70 different destinations, as far apart as Aarhus in Denmark and Zaragoza in Spain. EasyJet was flying to 25 cities, with a further 25 served from Luton. And although the low-cost revolution began in Britain and Ireland, and is still best-established in these two countries, it has now spread right across the continent.

The new EU members in Central Europe are the latest to catch the bug: they have a favourable combination of low labour costs, interesting new destinations and populations eager to taste the new freedom of travelling west without a visa. Wizz is based in Hungary and Poland; SkyEurope flies from Slovakia and Poland. In Germany Lufthansa now has 12 low-cost competitors on domestic routes. Some newcomers such as Air Polonia and Italy’s Volare have gone bust, but other new carriers seem to pop up almost every week. The industry is still expanding rapidly. Low-cost airlines carried 80m passengers in Europe in 2004, up from 47m in 2003. They have over 20% of the European market today and may reach 40% by 2010.

The inspiration for the low-cost revolution came from America, and particularly from the success of Southwest Airlines. The British and Irish were the first to pick up on the trend, in the early 1990s. As Anglophone countries, they are often quicker to copy ideas from the United States; and their relatively flexible labour markets, affluent consumers and island geographies also encouraged low-cost carriers. The surge in British holidaymakers buying houses in France is closely linked to the rise of low-cost airlines. And it is not just travellers who feel the benefits. Entire regional economies have felt the impact. The city of Carcassonne in south-west France reckons that the 235,000 passengers who arrive every year on low-cost airlines have created over €270m ($360m) of extra economic activity.

Inevitably, there are grumblers. Many believe that rising oil prices and increasing competition must lead to a big shake-out in the industry. Even Mr O’Leary has warned of an impending “bloodbath”. Some of the prices on offer are so low that one wonders wickedly whether some of the airlines might not have a more profitable sideline: smuggling? piracy? But even if a bloodbath did take place, it seems safe to say that the low-cost habit is now so firmly established in Europe that the days of rip-off airfares will never return.

So much the worse, groan environmentalists, who complain that the spread of low-cost airlines is hugely polluting and a prime contributor to global warming. The European Commission in Brussels is looking into raising “aircraft emissions charges” to take account of their environmental costs. The commission is already unpopular with Mr O’Leary for ruling that Ryanair received illegal state-aid from the local government in Charleroi, its Belgian base. The low-cost airlines are also angry about new EU regulations passed last year that could increase compensation for passengers whose flights are cancelled.

Yet nobody should lose sight of the fact that the Eurocrats and the low-cost carriers are natural allies. The conditions for Europe’s airline upheaval were created by EU legislation. Through a succession of liberalisation packages, the commission broke the power of national flag-carriers to monopolise routes between and within European countries. It is EU law that allows a low-cost British upstart such as easyJet to compete with Air France on such lucrative domestic routes as Paris-Toulouse. By allowing newcomers to enter the market, Brussels has achieved that rare thing: an unambiguous triumph both for European consumers and for the ideal of “ever closer union” in Europe. When they have stopped arguing with Mr O’Leary, the Eurocrats might consider putting up a statue to him.

Hej!

This year Eurovision will be worth seeing! Not due to Spain´s tacky representants, the obnoxious KETCHUP who, to top it all off, now are four and will perpetrate live one of those loads of shite to which we are used in the mighty Kingdom of Spain.

From the country of the thousand lakes, Finland, a group of Orks called Lordi are razing the soft Eurovision system to the ground. The gist of the thing is that Finland has chosen them; there is a lesson to be learnt here. Hail to Finland! LORDI RULES!! Song: “Hard Rock Hallelujah”. Just warn your grandmothers:

“… please wheels keep on turning carrying me home to see my kin”

Somewhere near Alicante, December, 2003.

“Hey, what´s that light and why does it blink?”

“That, my friend, means impending disaster. I hoped nobody would notice it”

Yet Opel Vulkadett, His Majesty of the Motorway, reached Alicante on schedule and we could enjoy the Doors´ gig (XXIst Century Doors, mind you). The journey back home is another story, though he returned safe and sound, only, not when it was expected…

He was something special, a little bit of youth that has now vanished, buried with less pomp & honours that those he undoubtedly deserved. Sometimes, after a long stay abroad, Opel Vulkadett was one of the first familiar things I saw, ready to take me home, always with a superb soundtrack. An old rocker, he stank of cigarettes, despised the digital era and preferred the nowadays banished system of the radiocasette. Therefore, one must work hard on it; a few clicks did not, would not, suffice; back then, the making of a soundtrack worthy of His Majesty of the Motorway still took time, a lot of brains, and a keen insight into that bottomless well called rock and roll (only those who remember what recording a tape for the car was like will know what I mean). The ashtray was always full of cigarette-butts, up to the hilt, on the brink of overflowing. In the twilight of his life, Opel Vulkadett scorned the rearview mirrors, as they were an insult to His Majesty, he could naturally do perfectly well without!

On a cold and doomed 3rd of March, 2006, after 18 years and a half of feasting on concrete and gasoline (and money), Opel Vulkadett, His Majesty of the Motorway, departed for better roads. 172255 kilometres upon his proud teutonic metal shoulders. And brushing aside a few unimportant failures, he always complied.

Life is fickle. Life is a bitch.

All the same, here´s your homage, Majesty.